


Words

by The_Alice_Killer



Series: One-Shots [4]
Category: Love Live! Sunshine!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bulimia, Dia and Kanan are second years, Eating Disorders, F/F, Fluff, Lesbian Character, Pre-Canon, Ruby is only there for one scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-29 23:58:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19030594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Alice_Killer/pseuds/The_Alice_Killer
Summary: Prompt: Kanan w/ eating disorder





	Words

_"Don't you think your daughter might be getting a little, I don't know, chubby?"_

_"Your daughter is bigger than the both of you. Why aren't you stopping it? You're hurting yourselves and her by not."_

_"Why can't you just do it! If you wouldn't be like that you'd be normal!"_

_"I know, my daughter is so fat. I can't believe anyone would be her friend."_

Those phrases weren't anything new. She couldn't even name how many times she'd heard them or a slight variation on them. It got to the point where she didn't listen to them. They didn't see just how hard she was trying to fix it.

That was how it all started. The concerns some fellow parents had about her. Her parents took them to the extreme and treated it like she was a monster for being a bit different than them.

She would spend almost any free time she had staring at herself in any mirror or any window she could find. She stood there for hours on end judging herself. She thought she was being careful, but a few times someone caught her and asked if she was okay. "Of course!", she'd reply, not wanting them to worry about her.

She knew they would never understand what she was doing. They'd try and stop her. And that wasn't something she would ever allow.

...

The alarm woke her from a restless sleep. She got up from the bed with some difficulty. She felt horrible. But, she couldn't miss school. She just couldn't. They'd know about her problems then.

She dressed herself and went into the bathroom to splash her face with cold water. Afterwards she went downstairs and grabbed her shoes. She put them on and grabbed her school bag.

"Aren't you going to eat with us?" Her mom asked her, a cruel smile on her face.

"No. I'm not hungry." She lied quickly, knowing her answer wouldn't get her food anyway.

"Take something with you." Her mom insisted, pointing to a bar left on the counter.

The girl sighed and grabbed the small energy bar. She stuffed it in her bag and headed out the door. She started jogging toward the school. Along the way, she stopped and threw the bar in the trash. She wasn't eating it. It would make her fat.

"Kanan! Wait up!" A familiar voice called behind her.

Kanan turned around and waited as her friend caught up, "You're late, Dia. I told you I'd be past by now."

"Sorry, I was having some issues with my bag. It wouldn't close for me." Dia apologized.

"Well, let's go," Kanan said as she drug Dia along.

...

The day went by in a blur of colors. The exhaustion was getting to Kanan. She hadn't been sleeping properly for weeks now. And not eating more than a small nibble of food a day wasn't the best. But she convinced herself it was worth it. She'd finally be talked about in a good way. No more about how fat she was. It would be about how beautiful she looked.

At one point, Kanan had dozed off during a lesson. She was promptly woken up by a concerned Dia. Kanan shrugged at Dia's gaze and went back to looking at the board. She quickly lost interest and stared at her arms. She would've loved to pick at her flesh, but she wouldn't do that in public.

Kanan ended up falling back to sleep again. This time, Dia didn't wake her, or maybe she couldn't.

Kanan woke as the bell rang to dismiss the kids for lunch. She sat up and stretched. Dia was standing in front of her, her hand on her hips and her face in a worried expression.

"You've never fallen asleep in class before. Are you okay?" Dia asked.

Kanan just nodded and packed her things up. Dia didn't like that answer.

"Kanan-chan, what's up? You've been out of it for a while now." Dia pestered.

The girl didn't respond to her question, "Let's go outside."

Dia frowned, but nodded. The two of them left the classroom and went outside to sit around. Kanan sat with her back against a tree, Dia in front of her.

"Didn't you bring anything again?" Dia asked, the concern evident in her voice.

"Didn't have time." Kanan lied, "I'm not hungry anyway. It's fine."

"Please eat something. Even if it's just a little." Dia pushed her lunch toward Kanan.

Kanan shook her head, "I'm fine."

"Kanan-chan, please?" Dia begged, giving Kanan her attempt at puppy eyes.

Kanana snorted in amusement. Dia wasn't good at acting like that.

"Fine. I'll eat a little." Kanan said, resigning herself to eating some of what Dia had packed.

Kanana knew Dia always packed extra for her. This was a common occurrence. Most times Dia couldn't convince Kanan to eat though.

After Kanan ate a little, she did admit she felt better than normal. But, she felt awful at the same time.

"Do you mind if I go do some work? I'm falling behind a little." Dia asked after they finished.

"Not at all. If you want I can help you." Kanan offered.

Dia shook her head, "It's fine."

"Alright then. Have fun." Kanan teased as Dia walked away.

After Dia was out of sight, Kanan got up and went to the bathroom. She locked herself into a stall and knelt beside the toilet. She sighed as she realized what she would have to do again.

Kanan broke down into tears as she sat there on the floor. She started punching herself all over the place, angry with herself more than anything. She had let someone convince her to eat. She was horrible.

After she calmed down, Kanan readjusted her position in the floor and got ready. After she took a deep breath, she jammed one finger in her mouth as far as it could go. She winced as she started gagging, but held her hand in place. She knew it needed to stay if she wanted to succeed.

After a moment, she removed her hand and leaned over the toilet. She gagged and eventually stuff started coming out. After a few minutes of heaving, she leaned back against the stall door and took deep breaths.

She felt awful, both physically and mentally. She was glad she did it, but felt bad at the same time. Dia had taken time out of her day to make her food and she wasted it.

"I'm a horrible person..." Kanan mumbled as she stood up.

She exited the stall and went to the sink. She splashed more water on her face and tried to calm down. Her eyes were all red and puffy from her crying. Kanan stayed in the bathroom until her phone went off. She opened it to see Dia had texted her, asking if she would come to the office.

Kanan grabbed her bag and went to go see what Dia wanted from her. As she walked, she got more and more nervous. What would Dia want her for?

Kanan knocked on the door. Dia called her in. Kanan opened the door and slipped inside quickly. She shut the door behind her and walked over to where Dia was standing.

"What's up?" Kanan asked, trying to act as if she hadn't just done anything wrong.

"Sit. We need to talk." Dia stated, pulling Kanan over to the seats.

Kanan was getting a bit scared. What if Dia knew? What if she knew about what she was doing? Then what?

"What is it?" Kanan asked, hoping her voice didn't waver too much.

Dia sighed, "What's wrong? And don't say nothing. You've hardly eaten, you seem tired every day, and you always seem to hide. What is wrong?"

"It's something that doesn't involve you." Kanan stated, eyeing Dia as confidently as she could.

"It does involve me. You're my friend and I hate seeing you like this." Dia stated.

"It does not involve you." Kanan repeated.

"It does. If you won't tell me I'll find it out myself then." Dia responded.

"Good luck with that." Kanan scoffed, before she got up and left the room.

...

When Kanan got home from school, the first thing she did was change into her running outfit. She threw it on quickly. After that she went to the bathroom and weighed herself on a scale. 75 lbs, it read. Still too much. Kanan sighed.

She went and slipped on her shoes before setting off and exiting the house.

Kanan jogged down the route she took daily. She did this run every day to keep her from the voices calling her lazy. She was always out and about to stop that from being a reason.

As Kanan reached the stairs to the temple, she noticed a familiar black-haired person waiting for her. Or, at least, she thought would be waiting for her.

"Kanan-chan." Dia nodded her way, though she had a worried expression on her face as always.

Kanan paused and stared back at her, "Waiting for me?"

"Maybe?" Dia offered.

Kanan was panting heavily. She had pushed herself today to make up for earlier. But, it was taking its toll. Kanan was slowly losing focus as Dia started talking to her.

Dia stopped after realizing Kanan wasn't paying attention. She stared at her, unsure if Kanan was spacing out or just ignoring her.

"Kanan-chan, you okay? You look pale, like really pale." Dia managed to get her attention.

"Do I?" Kanan mumbled, not really there.

"Kanan-chan?" Dia asked, trying to bring Kanan out of the world she was drifting into.

Kanan took a step forward, before she collapsed. Dia yelped in panic as she ran forward and grabbed her.

"Kanan! Hey, can you hear me!?" Dia was frantic, as anyone would be in this situation.

She set Kanan down on a bench nearby and grabbed the bag she had brought with her.

Dia pulled out a water bottle and pressed it against Kanan's head. The coolness seemed to help a little as Kanan started to groan and mumble incoherently. Dia kept the bottle firmly in its place as she waiting nervously for Kanan to wake up.

After what felt like hours, but was only a few minutes, Kanan opened her eyes. Dia removed the bottle from Kanan's head. She helped Kanan into a sitting position, before handing her the water and telling her to drink.

Kanan handed the bottle back to Dia, "Could you open it?"

"Sure," Dia quickly opened the bottle and handed it back to Kanan.

Kanan slowly sipped from the bottle. Dia sat by Kanan's feet and waited. She knew better than to rush her.

"Here." Kanan handed the bottle back to Dia.

Dia took it and put the cap back on it. She internally frowned at how little Kanan had drunk. Kanan moved to sit on the bench. Dia moved closer to her.

"Are you feeling better now?" Dia asked, her eyes glancing over Kanan's body.

"Yeah... sorry about that... I guess I'm getting sick," Kanan lied about the reason. She was indeed sorry about causing Dia to worry about her.

"Can you walk?" Dia asked as she stood up.

"I think so." Kanan replied, getting up as well.

Dia grabbed Kanan around her arm, "You're coming home with me."

"Alright." Kanan knew it would be futile to argue.

The two of them slowly made their way to Dia's house. Once inside, Dia led Kanan up to her room. Ruby greeted them on the way up.

"Hey, Kanan-chan!" Ruby smiled brightly as she greeted her.

"Hey, Ruby, how are you?" Kanan asked, forcing a smile onto her face.

"I'm good. How about you." Ruby replied.

Kanan shrugged, "A little sick, I guess. But, I'll be alright."

"Okay! See you later." Ruby left them alone.

Dia guided Kanan into her room and onto the bed. Kanan laid down and sunk into the soft, warm blankets. Dia gave her a small, soft smile as she pulled the blankets over her.

"Get some rest, you need it." Dia whispered.

"Where will you be at?" Kanan asked.

"I'll just be across the room at my desk doing some work. I won't leave unless I need to." Dia promised, sensing Kanan's unease.

"Okay..." Kanan mumbled as she fell asleep, satisfied with the response she got.

...

_"Hey! You worthless piece of shit! Get over here and do your job!"_

_Kanan blinked as she watched the scene in front of her. This wasn't the first time she had this type of dream. She would be watching memories of her past while being unable to do anything. She was frozen in the spot where she stood. The dream would move her when it was ready._

_"Go get the bucket now!" Kanan flinched as she watched her parents yell at the younger version of her._

_"Sorry! Please don't hurt me!" Little Kanan begged after she returned with the bucket, but Kanan knew it wouldn't work._

_Sometimes she hated knowing the outcome of the dreams. It would be easier if she didn't. That way she would jolt awake at the first danger like people did most of the time. But in this land that wouldn't happen._

_Kanan couldn't even close her eyes. She was forced to watch the beating she had received years ago. She wasn't able to do anything but watch and feel her emotions. If the dream wanted to be particularly cruel, it would give her the pain of the scene in front of her. But today the dream seemed to let her go._

_"Kanan!"_

_Kanan froze. That voice wasn't normal. It sounded different._

_"Kanan, wake up!"_

_Kanan felt herself fading from the dream. She knew this wasn't right. It wasn't time to leave._

_"Kanan, please. Wake up."_

...

Kanan opened her eyes and jolted upwards on the bed. Beside her was Dia just standing there with a worried expression on her face as normal.

"Are you alright? You were crying out in your sleep." Dia asked as she sat beside Kanan on the bed.

"I'm fine... just a nightmare..." Kanan replied.

"Okay. You sure?"

Kanan just nodded. Dia wrapped an arm around her. Kanan leaned in to her side, enjoying the warmth of her body.

"You can talk to me, you know. I'm here if you need me." Dia told her.

Kanan heard that statement many times. She never took her up on that offer though.

"Onee-chan! Dinner is ready!" Ruby's voice called from the other side of the door.

"We'll be down in a minute," Dia replied.

She stood up and held out a hand to Kanan. Kanan took it and allowed Dia to pull her to her feet. The two of them went down to the dining room.

"I told your parents you were spending the night. I hope you don't mind." Dia said as they approached the table.

"It's fine. I would've forgot to do that anyway." Kanan responded.

The two of them sat at the table. Kanan stared blankly at the food in front of her. She knew she couldn't just say she wasn't hungry. And she felt it would be rude to only eat a few bites.

Kanan sighed to herself as she resigned to eating again today. Dia gave her a few glances every now and again, but her face was relieved now. She was happy that Kanan was finally eating a substantial meal.

Little did she know that meal wasn't staying in Kanan for long. Kanan felt really bad as she looked at the empty plate in front of her. She had eaten a lot more than before. The voices would really be nagging her now.

After eating and cleaning up, Kanan excused herself to the bathroom. She forgot to lock the door in her daze. Her mind was running wild with horrible thoughts.

Kanan bent over the toilet and did her normal breakdown. This time she made sure to be quiet and not as violent. She couldn't be discovered. After the breakdown, Kanan shoved her finger in her mouth and waited. The wait seemed to get shorter every time she did it.

Kanan bent over the toilet and emptied her stomach contents into it. She paused to get a breath after she finished it. Kanan knew one time wouldn't be enough to get rid of it all. She repeated her process and threw up more. She flushed the toilet and was about to get up when she heard something that made her heart stop.

"Kanan?" Kanan froze.

She shakily looked over to where the door was. Dia was standing there, a shocked look on her face.

"What are you doing?" Dia whispered as she numbly walked over to where Kanan knelt.

"What did you see?" Kanan asked, her body shaking in fear.

Dia didn't reply, she just threw her arms around Kanan and pulled her tightly into a hug. Kanan broke down into sobs, realizing Dia knew her secret now. She struggled against Dia to no avail, the other wasn't letting go. She was stuck.

After Kanan calmed down and stopped her struggles, Dia led her back to their room. Kanan didn't look at Dia. She kept her gaze low to the ground.

"Kanan, look at me." Dia pleaded softly.

Kanan shook her head. She couldn't bear to see Dia's face right now. She'd just see the expression Dia had made when she found Kanan.

"Then at least listen to me." Dia asked.

"I'll listen..." Kanan mumbled out, her hand unconsciously starting to scratch at her skin.

Dia grabbed her arms and held them in place, "Alright. I'm not gonna dance around this. What the hell were you doing?"

"What do you think?" Kanan replied, gazing up at Dia, her eyes looking sad and broken.

"Kanan, I want you to just admit it. I know what you were doing. But I want you to say it." Dia responded softly.

Kanan dropped her gaze back to the floor, "I thought I just had to listen."

Dia sighed, knowing she wasn't getting Kanan to talk, "Fine... I'll just talk then. I don't know why you're doing what your doing. I know you won't tell me. But, you need to stop. It's not healthy. I mean, look at what happened today!"

"I'm fat." Kanan stated quietly.

"You are not. I don't know who told you that, but they are wrong." Dia shot back.

"I look ugly. I'm too big..."

"Kanan..." Dia whispered, her eyes flashing with realization.

"Everyone tells me that. Everyone but you... why should I believe you if everyone else says differently?" Kanan asked.

"That's a good question... I wish I knew how to make you understand my answer, but I can't... but, there are other ways to lose weight, Kanan. This is not a healthy way to do it." Dia reasoned.

"No one would let me do anything about it. They say I'm fat and I need to lose weight, but won't let me... I don't get it!" Kanan snapped and lunged into Dia's arms, sobbing and screaming in anguish.

Dia held Kanan tightly as she broke down. Ruby appeared in the doorway a few seconds later, her face concerned as she gazed at the scene. Dia shooed her away. Ruby obliged and shut the door to give them privacy.

"It's alright... let it all out..." Dia soothed Kanan as best she could.

"Why me...? Why did I have to be like this?" Kanan choked out through sobs.

Dia bent down to look at Kanan in the eyes, "It's okay. Things happen, but we'll fix this."

"How? How can you fix this!? I'm hopeless!" Dia flinched at Kanan's raised voice.

"We'll work together and fix it, Kanan-chan. You're not alone in this fight anymore." Dia replied softly, pulling the whimpering girl into her lap.

Kanan's sobs slowly got quieter as she sunk into Dia. Dia ran a hand through Kanan's hair as she whispered softly to her. Soon the sobbing stopped, replaced by gentle snoring as Kanan fell asleep, situating herself comfortably into Dia's embrace.

Dia gave the sleeping girl a sad look, before she picked her up and laid her onto the bed. Dia tucked Kanan into the blankets and let her rest. Dia looked at her dresser and opened it. She pulled out a stuffed dolphin she had been planning to give to Kanan eventually. Dia put it next to Kanan. Kanan grabbed it and held it close. Dia smiled at her and then sat at her desk. She was going to stay in the room, lest Kanan have another nightmare.

...

Kanan woke to darkness. When she tried to move, she realized someone was on top of her. As her eyes adjusted she realized Dia was half on her and half on the bed. Kanan chuckled softly. Dia wasn't a restless sleeper by any means, but occasionally she'd move around.

Kanan removed Dia from her and carefully laid her completely on the bed. Unfortunately she didn't do it good enough. Dia opened her eyes and sat up.

"Hey..." Kanan mumbled out.

Dia looked over at her, "Hey. You alright?"

"Yeah... I'm fine." Kanan lied as always. She wasn't fine. The voices in her head were worse than ever.

"Get some rest. I assume you want to go to school tomorrow." Dia said as she laid back down, pushing Kanan down as well.

"Yeah... I'll try and sleep." Kanan promised.

Dia snuggled up to her, "Are you afraid of having another nightmare?"

"Maybe..." Kanan admitted.

"There's not much I can do about that, is there?" Dia sighed.

"No. But, can you answer a question?" Kanan asked.

Dia nodded, "Of course. What is it?"

"Why do you care? I just feel like I've never done anything for you and yet you're always there for me... and even now, why bother with me? Wouldn't it be easier to just say we're done? Say that we aren't friends anymore? Why do you continue to help me when I've done nothing for you?" Kanan was on the verge of tears as she finished.

"Because... because I love you, Kanan..." Dia whispered, pulling the girl closer to her.

"You love me?" Kanan repeated, not believing what she was hearing.

"Yes. I love you. That's why I've done all this for you. And, you've given me a lot more than you think. You do so much for me, but it just isn't something you notice." Dia nodded, kissing Kanan on the head, her face turning red as she did so.

"Dia..." Kanan choked out, trying to hold back her tears.

"You can cry, Kanan-chan. I'm here." Dia whispered.

Kanan let out quiet sobs and Dia held her. Kanan tried to hold herself back, but she couldn't. Once she started crying, she couldn't stop it. And, she started talking again.

"Dia... I'm sorry... I'm sorry for everything..."

"What are you talking about?" Dia asked, nuzzling Kanan on the head.

"I don't know... I just feel like I need to apologize." Kanan mumbled.

"Well, whatever you're saying sorry for, I forgive you." Dia knew it wouldn't do anything to say she didn't need to apologize, so she just went with it.

"Dia-san... there's voices in my head... the keep telling me that I'm a bad friend... they keep telling me what to do and... and I can't stop them! I can't fight it anymore... I just do what they want... I just want them to stop..." Kanan internally screamed at what she said, but she knew it would come out sooner or later. She'd just rather it was on her own terms, not something that was coaxed out by her breakdown.

"Oh, sweetheart..." Dia whispered, "That's horrible..."

"Please... please promise you won't leave me... I can't take it anymore..."

"I promise I'll never leave you, Kanan. I'm here to stay. You can come to me whenever you need something." Dia promised.

Kanan started calming down. She mumbled some random things Dia couldn't make out. Dia held Kanan and whispered a soft lullaby to her. Kanan drifted back to sleep, exhausted from the crying. After Kanan was asleep, Dia closed her eyes and fell asleep herself.

...

The next morning the two of them were woken up by Dia's alarm. Dia sat up, only to be pulled down by a sleepy Kanan. Kanan hugged Dia and refused to let go.

"Kanan, we have to go get ready." Dia tried to reason with her to no avail.

"Comfy here..." Kanan mumbled, drifting back to sleep.

Dia sighed, "Do you want to stay?"

"No. Unless you'll stay with me."

"I'm not staying."

"Fine..." Kanan let go of Dia and let her get up.

Kanan followed her off the bed. Dia handed her a school uniform. It wasn't uncommon for Kanan to just come over and end up spending the night, so Dia had gotten an extra uniform for those occasions so Kanan didn't need to run home and change.

Kanan hesitantly took it. Dia started changing into her uniform. Kanan couldn't help but look. Dia was, in simple terms, everything she wasn't. Dia was beautiful. Everyone complimented her. Dia never had to worry about her body.

"Kanan-chan, as much as I appreciate your attention, you should get changed." Dia stated.

Kanan snapped out of her daze, "Sorry, got lost in my head again."

"Over what?" Dia asked, keeping her eyes on Kanan's face as the girl changed.

"Jealousy..." Kanan mumbled.

"What on earth are you jealous of?" Dia asked, making sure to not sound upset, even if it did upset her.

"You. Just, everything about you. You're everything my mind tells me I should be... it's only natural I'd get a bit envious." Kanan replied, walking over to Dia now that she was changed.

"Geez, you have a very picky mind then." Dia said, grabbing Kanan by the hand and leading her out of the room.

They paused at Ruby's door. Dia knocked on it and made sure Ruby was getting up. After a confirmation noise from Ruby, Dia led Kanan down to the kitchen.

"Mom and dad don't get up until after we're gone. So, we have to make breakfast ourselves." Dia explained as she pulled out a frying pan.

"What are you making?" Kanan asked, knowing Dia would make her eat.

"I was gonna make pancakes. Ruby asked for them. If you'd like something else I can make it." Dia replied.

"Pancaked are fine..." Kanan mumbled.

"How many do you want?" Dia asked.

"Just one... not too big please..." Kanan replied, hoping Dia would listen.

"Alright. As long as you eat something I'll be happy." Dia nodded.

Ruby came down shortly after. She greeted Kanan brightly, acting as if she hadn't witnessed the breakdown last night. Kanan was dragged into the dining room by her and they sat down and talked. Kanan was glad for the distraction.

Dia soon came in with two plates of pancakes. She set them down in front of the two girls. She left for a minute to fetch her own one. After they all were seated they ate.

Kanan slowly picked at her pancake, not feeling thrilled at eating. She forced through it and finished the entire thing to make Dia happy. Kanan knew she'd have to wait a while before she could get a chance to dispose of it.

Even after everything Dia said, Kanan wasn't about to change her habits. She was doing so well. She was almost at 60 lbs. That was her goal. After that she'd be good. She wasn't ready to let Dia change that.

"Kanan-chan, you ready to go?" Dia asked as she finished cleaning the plates and packing a lunch for them.

Kanan nodded. Ruby had left a few minutes ago to catch up to her friends.

"Let's head out then." Dia said.

The walk to school was awkward. It was very tense and silent. Neither knew what to say to each other.

"Come with me to the council room." Dia whispered as they reached school.

Kanan followed behind, knowing Dia wouldn't take no for an answer. Once inside, they felt like they could breathe again.

"Kanan-chan, if we're going to start fixing this problem, I need to lay down some rules." Dia told her.

Kanan nodded, her gaze sad. She knew it was coming. She knew Dia would restrict her.

"Sit down and we'll discuss them." Dia sat down and Kanan followed her.

"So, the rules. Number 1. You can't go to the bathroom until an hour after you eat. If it's an emergency, I'm going inside with you, unless it's at school. Then I'll be right outside the stall. Understand?" Dia started.

"Yes, Dia..." Kanan mumbled out, her mind already thinking of ways to avoid it.

"Number 2. You have to eat everything on your plate. Unless it's a ridiculous amount, I want you to eat it all. Just tell me if it's too much, I promise I'll make sure your portions are smaller whenever you come over." Dia continued.

"How big will they be?" Kanan asked.

"Half the size of a normal portion. Is that alright?" Dia replied.

Kanan gave her a nod. Her mind was screaming at her to say no. To say it should be less.

"And number 3. If you do end up... getting rid of your food, I want you to be honest with me. I won't punish you. I just want to know so I can see what went wrong." Dia finished, "I'll add more if I see necessary, but for now they are it."

"I understand." Kanan said numbly.

"I'm here for you. I will never judge you for what you say to me. I promise I will never get mad at you unless it is really deserved." Dia whispered, pulling Kanan into a hug.

"Dia-san?" Kanan asked.

"We're friends, Kanan. Chan is fine. What is it?" Dia corrected.

"Thank you... it means a lot that you're willing to do this for me... if you need something, I'll do it as repayment." Kanan said. She wanted to say something else, but didn't want to worry Dia right now.

"That won't be necessary. You don't need to repay me for this." Dia responded.

"Alright..."

...

Lunch time came around. Kanan was dreading it. Dia had taken her out to their normal spot and pushed the lunch box in front of her. Dia ate from her own. Kanan didn't take a bite from hers yet. She was fighting away the thoughts in her head.

"Dia-san, uh Dia-chan, can I go to the bathroom first?" Kanan asked.

"Sure. Don't be too long please." Dia nodded.

Kanan got up and hurried to the bathroom. No one was there again. She had good luck, well, to Dia it would be bad luck.

Kanan went into a stall, before exiting and making sure Dia hadn't followed her. After confirming she was indeed alone, Kanan went and locked herself into a stall.

She had been thinking nonstop about the pancake. She needed to get rid of it before it was too late. Kanan quickly thrust a finger in her mouth as always and gagged. Soon she was throwing up again. After she felt satisfied, she left the stall and went back to Dia.

"I'm back~" Kanan announced in a sing-songy voice, trying to mask anything that might give away what she just did.

"Everything okay?"

"Yep."

Kanan slowly ate her meal that Dia made. She already made plans to get rid of it the moment she got home. She wasn't going to stop until she got to her goal.

"Kanan-chan, are you going back home then?" Dia asked.

"I don't know. I guess so." Kanan shrugged.

"Okay. Just text me if you need anything then. I'll come over if you need me to." Dia replied.

"Alright." Kanan nodded.

She finished up the meal and gave the box back to Dia. Dia then left to go do student council work again. She forced Kanan along with her to keep an eye on her.

Kanan offered to help out again, since she was stuck there anyway. Dia relented after a few times of asking and let her help out.

...

When school ended, Kanan was itching to go home. She wasn't able to stop thinking about the lunch she had. She felt disgusting for eating it all.

Kanan went to the bathroom and changed into her exercise outfit and then gave the uniform to Dia to take home.

"See you tomorrow!" Kanan waved goodbye to Dia, before setting off to go home.

She ran there once out of Dia's sight. Exercise would help get rid of the food too, was Kanan's excuse.

Kanan got home, threw off her shoes, and went to the bathroom. She opened the cabinet and pulled out a pill bottle. She opened it and popped a pill into her mouth.

Moment later, she was throwing up in the toilet as usual. This was her daily routine at this point. After finishing, Kanan threw on some comfy clothes.

She lazed about for a while, not having the energy to do much. She scrolled through apps on her phone for a while, before giving up and sleeping.

...

Kanan woke to movement on her bed. She opened her eyes to see Dia was sitting beside her.

"Hey, you're parents are out for the night. They wanted someone to stay with you." Dia explained.

"Oh... alright." Kanan shrugged and sat up.

"Did you eat dinner?" Dia asked.

Kanan nodded, once again lying. Dia gave her a smile.

"What do you want to do?" Dia asked next.

"Sleep." Kanan replied.

"Come on. That much sleep isn't good for you." Dia protested.

Kanan shrugged and laid down. Dia sighed, before joining her on the bed.

"You doing okay?" Dia asked.

Kanan didn't reply. She was lost in her head again. Dia noticed and kissed her, hoping it would draw her back. It did, much to her surprise.

"Sorry... it's just hard..." Kanan mumbled, turning to bury her face into Dia's chest.

Kanan winced as her stomach rumbled, telling her to eat something. Dia heard it as well.

"Did you really eat dinner?" Dia asked again.

Kanan nodded, "Yeah... just not a lot..."

She hoped that would be enough. She didn't want to eat anything. It would make it worse.

"Kanan-chan, I feel like you're lying to me." Dia stated.

Kanan froze. That was all the confirmation Dia needed.

"I'm making you dinner. You're eating something." Dia declared, getting ready to leave the bed.

Kanan lunged at Dia and pulled her back down. She couldn't let her do it. She couldn't let her mess everything up again.

"Kanan! Let go!" Dia struggled against Kanan.

Despite being weak, a panicked Kanan is a strong Kanan. Dia wasn't having much luck getting out of the grip.

"Kanan-chan... what's wrong? Why are you holding me here?" Dia calmed herself and tried a different approach.

"Please... please don't..." Kanan mumbled, holding her tighter now.

"Why?" Dia asked.

"Don't... I'll make myself something, okay? Just, stay out of the kitchen..." Kanan begged.

"No. Now I'm worried." Dia struggled against her again.

Kanan tightened her hold more, causing Dia to gasp in pain. Kanan was gripping too tightly now.

"Let go! You're hurting me!" Dia struggled harder now, the pain making her desperate to get out.

Kanan loosened her grip a little, but not enough for Dia to get out. Dia sighed as she stopped fighting again.

"Please?" She pleaded, giving Kanan a sad attempt at her puppy eyes.

Kanan shook her head. Dia frowned. She reached up her hands and started tickling Kanan. Kanan let go of her and started trying to remove her hands as she laughed. Dia kept it up for a little, hoping to at least let Kanan have some distraction from her problems.

After a few minutes, Dia pulled away from her. She sat up on the bed and pulled Kanan into a hug. Kanan snuggled close, her energy zapped from the fighting and the tickling. She fell asleep, just as Dia had hoped she would.

Dia carefully laid her on the bed and got up. She crept out of the room and into the kitchen. Dia looked around, not seeing anything wrong, until she started searching for food. There was nothing in the cabinets. The fridge had a lock on it. Dia saw no key anywhere in sight.

She heard footsteps and turned around to see Kanan walking toward her. Dia pulled her into a hug.

"They... they don't let me eat... they don't let me have anything here..." Kanan whispered.

Dia frowned, "Alright. Why don't you go rest some more. I'm gonna go buy something for you instead."

"Fine..." Kanan knew she couldn't talk her way out of it.

She headed back to her room and laid on the bed as Dia ran to the store to buy something for her to eat.

It took around ten minutes for Dia to return. She bought a sandwich and a bottle of tea. She called Kanan down to the dining room. Kanan made her way down slowly.

"Here. Eat at least half of it." Dia said as she pushed the food and drink in front of her.

Kanan stared at the food for a little. She opened the drink and took a few sips. Dia sat beside her and waited patiently.

Kanan slowly started to open the container her sandwich was in. She took out one slice of it and munched on it slowly. Dia gave her a few words of encouragement.

After what seemed like forever, Kanan finished eating the slice. She closed the container and pushed it away. She took a few more sips of the drink as well.

"Good job, Kanan-chan. You're doing great, sweetheart." Dia praised as she gave Kanan a hug.

Kanan sank into the embrace. She was conflicted. She was happy and yet also sad. Happy about Dia praising her, sad about having no way to get rid of this meal now.

"Are you staying the night?" Kanan asked, dreading the answer.

"Yes. Is that okay?" Dia replied.

Kanan shrugged, "Sure... you'll stay with me, right?"

"If you want me to, then of course." Dia nodded.

Kanan just gave her a slight nod. Dia took the sandwich and put it in the bag. She took Kanan by the hand and led her into the living room. Dia gave her the tea back, hoping she would continue to drink it.

The two of them sat on the couch and watched whatever Kanan wanted on the TV. Dia was happy to see a bit of color finally returning to Kanan's face. Kanan would occasionally sip at the tea every now and again, but wouldn't drink a lot of it at once. Dia didn't mind; she was just glad Kanan was drinking it.

"Dia-san? Could we snuggle?" Kanan asked suddenly.

Dia gave her a confused look, "You want to snuggle?"

Kanan nodded sheepishly, "Please?"

Dia sighed, "Fine, come here."

Kanan crawled into Dia's lap and rested her head against her chest. Dia wrapped her arms loosely around Kanan.

"Did you mean it when you said you love me?" Kanan asked after a few minutes.

"Yes, I did." Dia confirmed, kissing Kanan's head to show she meant it.

Kanan looked up at Dia, her eyes twinkling with happiness, "I love you too."

They continued to snuggle and watch the TV for the night. It was getting late. The movies soon stopped for the night and turned to advertising. Kanan looked up and saw Dia was asleep. She smiled and got off of her.

Kanan grabbed a blanket from the top of the couch and laid it over Dia. She then went and turned off the TV. Kanan walked to her room and grabbed the pillows from her bed and brought them back downstairs. She set them down on the floor and laid a blanket under them.

Kanan then picked up Dia and put her on the makeshift bed. After making sure she wasn't waking up, Kanan snuck back upstairs and to the bathroom. She was debating if it was a good idea to try right now.

She used the bathroom and then stared at herself in the mirror. She still looked bad. The bags under her eyes had faded slightly, but were still there. Her skin was pale and sickly looking.

"Kanan-chan?" Kanan turned around.

Dia was leaning against the wall watching her. Kanan gave her a smile and walked over.

"Did I wake you?" Kanan asked.

Dia shook her head, "No."

Kanan clung to Dia's arm, "Well, why are you here then?"

"Looking for you." Dia replied.

"Oh. Sorry, I needed to go. We can go back down now." Kanan smiled at her, hoping she wouldn't question it.

"Alright. Let's go." Dia walked back down with Kanan still holding on tightly to her arm.

The two of them laid back down on the bed. Dia pulled the blanket over them. Kanan snuggled close to her.

"You did just go to the bathroom, right?" Dia asked.

Kanan nodded, "I promise that's all I did."

Dia kissed her head before settling down into the pillow. Kanan smiled and hugged her. The two of them drifted off to sleep, snuggling close to each other and taking in their warmth.

...

The next morning they woke up to birds chirping loudly by the windows. Dia was up first, already dressed and ready for school. Kanan just got up from the bed. She folded the blankets and put them back where they belonged and then took the pillows up to her room. Dia followed behind her.

"Could you leave? I wanna get dressed..." Kanan asked.

"Sure. I'll be right outside." Dia left the room and closed the door.

Kanan undressed herself and looked in the mirror. She studied her body, pinching any piece of skin she felt was too prominent. She would've loved to do that for a while, but Dia was waiting for her. Kanan changed into her uniform and exited the room.

"Let's go." Dia led her out of the house.

"Where are we going?" Kanan questioned.

"To a café for breakfast." Dia replied.

Kanan sighed and followed her. She didn't want to eat anything as usual. But, she had no say in the matter.

"Dia-san? Do we need to eat inside?" Kanan asked.

Dia paused, "Is that an issue?"

Kanan nodded, "I don't like having a lot of people nearby... my mind tells me they're watching me and judging me..."

"Alright. We can go and walk while eating then." Dia agreed.

"Thank you."

...

As normal, school was a big struggle. Kanan felt a lot better than the past few weeks, but she knew it wasn't something that would last. That was the one thing Dia still didn't know about. The kids in her class would call her names. But only when no one would stop them. If the teacher was gone, they'd start. If Dia wasn't there they'd start it even worse.

They used code words to get around her. Kanan knew exactly what they meant though. After all, she was shown a paper with the translations and told them all. They wanted her to know what they were talking about.

Kanan tried to block them out, praying that the teacher would walk in. Dia had to go and assist in a meeting about a school activity, so she wasn't coming back until a while later.

"Jeez, someone looks like they've been breaking their diet." A girl taunted.

"Yeah, you've gained weight again!" Another chimed in.

She knew they were lying. They didn't know. All they saw was her face looked less sickly. That was what they were working off of. And it was working.

Kanan stood up from her desk and ran out of the room. She went to the bathroom and locked herself in a stall. She sobbed quietly as her mind started yelling at her again.

Kanan sat up and decided to make the voice shut up. She knew it wasn't a good idea. But, she needed to do it. She couldn't take it.

Kanan shoved her fingers hard into her throat, yelping a little in pain. She threw up in the toilet and sobbed again. She finally thought she was getting a little better. And now she just undid all that progress.

Kanan flushed the toilet but didn't move from the stall. She stayed there crying. After a little bit, she got up and left the stall. She stared at herself in the mirror. Her eyes were all red and puffy from crying. Kanan splashed her face with water and tried to calm herself down.

She couldn't go back to class now. How could she explain being late? And by now Dia was probably back.

Kanan left the bathroom and slowly made her way to the classroom. She had to go back. So, she devised a lie and hoped it was enough.

...

"Hey, so... what happened?" Dia confronted her at lunch.

"Nothing." Kanan mumbled.

"You can't lie to me. I can tell you aren't saying everything." Dia stated.

"I got upset and went to cool off." Kanan said.

Dia gave her a suspicious look, "Come with me."

Dia drug Kanan up and to the Student Council Room. She sat down and motioned for Kanan to do the same.

"Will you tell me now that we're alone?" Dia asked.

"I told you." Kanan defended.

"You're not telling the truth." Dia stated.

Kanan sighed, "I am... I couldn't take it... the kids in our class are really mean to me when no one's around to stop them."

"Why wouldn't you say something?"

"I didn't want to... no one would believe me..."

"I do."

"And what can you do about it?" Kanan shot back.

"I'll figure something out." Dia promised sincerely.

"Fine..." Kanan sighed.

Dia sat back in the seat and closed her eyes. She looked stressed.

"Dia-san?"

"Yes, Kanan-chan?"

"I... I... I did it again..." Kanan wasn't sure how to approach the topic.

"Did what again?" Dia asked, looking at Kanan.

"When I left I... I went into the bathroom... I couldn't help it..." Kanan admitted quietly.

Dia pulled her into a hug. Kanan hugged her back and started crying again. Dia held her tightly and whispered soothing phrases into her ear. Kanan calmed down enough to look at her.

She had expected to see disappointment on Dia's face. Instead, she got a caring look. She buried her face back into Dia's shirt. Dia ran a hand through her hair.

"I'm proud of you. You're very brave. It's hard to open up about that stuff." Dia praised her.

Kanan whined in response, burying her face deeper into Dia's uniform. Dia held her and let her do as she wanted.

"I'm not mad... I'm just glad you felt brave enough to admit it." Dia whispered as she left soft kisses over Kanan's head.

"Thank you..." Kanan mumbled.

They stayed that way for a while. Kanan enjoyed being able to just relax and not worry for once.

"Dia-san, after school do you want to go to the park?" Kanan asked.

"Sure." Dia nodded.

...

After Dia had finished up the work she had to do, and Kanan doing her homework as she waited, they took a slow walk to the park. As they walked, Kanan reached out and grabbed Dia's hand. Dia gripped her hand back lightly. She wasn't bothered by it at all. They got a few weird looks by passerby on the street, but they just ignored them.

When they made it to the park, they opted to sit on the grass and enjoy the cool breeze in the air.

"So, is there a reason you wanted to come here?" Dia asked.

Kanan nodded, "Yes. I wanted to ask you something."

"And what would that be?" Dia raised an eyebrow.

"Well, uh... w-would you uh, go out with me?" Kanan stammered out, her face flushing a bright red.

Dia's face flushed to rival Kanan's, "Uh... you serious?"

Kanan nodded, "Yes. Come on, Dia-san, we literally confessed to loving each other last night."

"I guess that's true... you really want to date me?" Dia seemed to be in denial.

"Yes, I want to date you. You've been so nice to me and always there when I needed you. I really love you." Kanan insisted.

"I'm just... I guess shocked. I love you too. And, yes. Yes, I'll go out with you." Dia stammered out after a minute of thought.

Kanan embraced her into a hug. Dia hugged her back after a second. Dia looked up and was met with Kanan looking down at her. They stared at each other for a few seconds, before they leaned in and kissed. They pulled away after a few seconds, their eyes wide.

"Well, shall we get going then?" Kanan stood up, acting as if nothing had just happened between them.

"Get going where?" Dia asked, standing up as well.

"To your house?" Kanan offered.

"Sure... you staying over?"

"If you don't mind."

"Then why don't we go to your house first?"

"Okay!"

...

Kanan had never been happier. She had an awesome girlfriend now. She felt like she could try and get better. It didn't seem as hopeless anymore.

"Kanan-chan?" Dia poked a finger into her cheek.

"Hm?" Kanan hummed as she turned her attention to the girl laying beside her on the bed.

"Are you going to sleep anytime soon? You've been staring at the ceiling for half an hour already." Dia asked.

"Yeah. I was just thinking." Kanan replied, turned to her side to face Dia.

"Do you ever stop thinking?" Dia teased as she pressed herself closer to Kanan.

"Yeah. When I'm sleeping. Unless I get a dream." Kanan stated as she instinctively hugged Dia.

"Well, I'm going to bed. Goodnight." Dia mumbled as she adjusted her position in Kanan's arms. She knew it was futile to try and stop Kanan from hugging her; she'd just do it in her sleep.

"Goodnight..." Kanan whispered back.

The two of them fell asleep. Kanan didn't have a nightmare for the first time in a while. Instead she got a pleasant dream. She was happy.

 

 

 

**The End**

**Author's Note:**

> As I was writing this I just thought about how often I used "horrible" and considered adding at the top that you should take a shot everytime I use it as a joke. I didn't though.


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